Mom isn't angry, she's overwhelmed
If you’ve noticed that your spouse seems angry all the time after having kids, and you’re struggling to understand why, here’s a different perspective to consider. What you might perceive as anger could actually be a reaction to something more complex, and recognizing this can make all the difference in how you support her during this time. On the outside, you’re right, she does look and perhaps act like she’s angry. Maybe even all the time. Here’s what you don’t see beneath the surface:
The Impact of Pregnancy: Pregnancy is a time of dramatic physical and emotional changes. A woman's body undergoes significant hormonal shifts that can affect her sleep, concentration, memory, and even her physical coordination as her joints loosen. As her body changes, everyday tasks can feel more challenging, and body image concerns may intensify, where she struggles to figure out who she is with all these new changes. These changes often trigger anxiety, disrupted sleep, and can contribute to mood swings, sadness, bouts of crying or even depression.
Post-Birth: Once the baby arrives, the focus shifts entirely to keeping the newborn alive and thriving. It’s easy for mom to feel as if everything revolves around the baby, while her own mental health often takes a backseat. She’s constantly in “care mode,” whether she’s breastfeeding, bottle-feeding, or attending to the baby’s schedule. If she’s exclusively breastfeeding or pumping, she may spend hours holding the baby and attending to its needs, leading to a feeling of being “touched out.” Every moment feels daunting and exhausting, and mom may feel drained, isolated, and overstimulated. Some moms feel like “bad moms” for feeling this way. This is completely normal and you’re not a bad mom for feeling this way- you’re going through so much and it will take you time to adjust- physically, emotionally and mentally. Additionally, there's this notion that you SHOULD be grateful for the baby and SHOULD feel happy/ good/ elated all the time, causing you to feel like you're doing something wrong.
What is overstimulated? Being overstimulated refers to a state in which an individual is exposed to a lot of stimulation at the same time. Whether that’s visual, sensory, auditory or emotional stimulus, it often feels like “your system is shutting down”. I often liken this to a computer having many tabs open at the same time, causing the “system” to either slow down, freeze or shut down altogether. Common signs of overstimulation may include trouble focusing, anxiety, “deer in headlights”, feeling exhausted or mentally or emotionally drained or experiencing physical symptoms like headaches or dizziness.
What you can do as the dad/ partner/ friend
- Be proactive: see what mom needs. When you ask “how can I help”, it often puts a mental strain on mom to “figure out what needs to be done”. Take the baby so mom can sleep; make mom a meal, ensuring that she eats; throw in a load of laundry or clean up the house. By being proactive and seeing what she needs or what needs to get done around the house, it can lighten her load and let her know she isn’t alone.
- Provide emotional support: Sometimes all mom needs is to be seen and heard. Ask if you can hug mom, ask her if she’s okay, hold her if she’s crying without offering a solution or judgment.
- Be patient: Mom seems different because she is different. This experience has changed her neurologically, mentally, emotionally and physically so everything looks and feels different to her. As you’re both figuring out these changes, be patient with her and yourself.
- Encourage time away: As the baby gets older, mom may feel comfortable leaving the baby for a period of time with a trusted caregiver, and you can offer to take her out. This could help mom see there’s a life outside of baby and help her discover who she is without the baby.
- Respect Her Space: New moms often deal with anxiety and fear, especially in the early months. Know when to give her space and when to step in and care for the baby. Gently guiding her to rest or take a break can be a big relief.
Social Stereotype
Culturally, there’s often an expectation that moms handle everything—feeding, laundry, childcare, cleaning, and managing household logistics. This can create a heavy mental load, and even if dads are home, kids tend to want their mom’s attention for everything. Over time, this can lead to mom feeling overstimulated, as she’s constantly pulled in different directions.
This imbalance can leave her feeling like she’s neglecting herself or being “selfish” when she tries to take a break. Add to this the physical and emotional fatigue of always putting others’ needs before her own, and it’s easy to see why she might appear frustrated, even angry. But in reality, she’s likely just overwhelmed and overstimulated.
Sex after Baby
It’s completely normal if mom (or dad) are not interested in sex after baby. From lack of sleep, feeling exhausted, barely getting time to spend quality time with each other, it may feel like you’re drifting apart as a couple. For mom, she’s still dealing with hormonal changes, vaginal dryness, possible physical pain or discomfort, and often feeling distracted by a myriad of other things (including what’s listed above) that sex may be the last thing on her mind.
What you can do: Speak to each other, share how you’re feeling, share your concerns; tell your partner you miss them. One of the biggest concerns I see when treating couples, is even a non-sexual touch (like touching the back, a hug, or a kiss on the cheek) can be interpreted as the partner trying to have sex with them and the touched partner will shut that down, resulting in the touching partner to feel unloved, unattractive and rejected. This can result in further causing a breakdown in communication. Instead, try to explain your intention so both your needs can be met.
Dads need support too
Dad’s absolutely need support too as so much has changed for them- their worlds have changed completely. They now have so much more responsibility- financially, physically, emotionally and may see changes in themselves along with navigating a new relationship as their spouse is now a mom. Speak with your friends to normalize these changes; there are also support groups so you won’t feel alone and you can also meet with a therapist or a couples therapist to help you deal with this life-changing transition and help you become the best version of yourself.
In conclusion, mom isn’t angry; she’s likely overstimulated, exhausted, and dealing with a flood of emotional, physical, and mental changes. By understanding this, offering proactive help, and showing patience, you can support her through this time and strengthen your relationship as you navigate parenthood together.
Resources
Mental Health Crisis line (call or text): 988
Postpartum International: www.Postpartum.net
National Maternal Health Mental Health Hotline: 1-833-852-6262
For a list of psychotherapists:
www.Therapist.com
There is no substitute for ongoing support and individual therapy by a qualified therapist. While most therapists can help with anxiety or depression, a Perinatal Mental Health Counselor (PMH-C) are trained in treating women with perinatal or post-partum concerns. A quick chat with a PMH-C gave us some insight into what she does:
Emily Haberman LCSW, PMH-C is a therapist practicing online in NJ (www.innerparenttherapy.com)
What is a PMH-C? How is it different from a “regular” therapist?
The PMH-C designation is for therapists, psychiatrists, doulas, lactation consultants and other relevant professionals to indicate a proven competency in understanding the needs specific to mothers, fathers, partners and families in the perinatal period. You can expect that a therapist with a PMH-C designation will have education, on-going training and a minimum of two years of experience supporting and treating with sensitivity to the nuanced mental health needs that come with the adjustment to pregnancy, fertility challenges and loss, birth and the postpartum period.
If you could offer advice or feedback to a new mom or dad reading this, what would it be?
"You are not alone, you are not to blame, and with help you will be well." These words are communicated front and center by Postpartum Support International. As this article explains, there are a multitude of factors that impact a new mom's mental health. Adjusting to having a baby is one of the most significant life events one will undergo, psychologically, physically, concerning identity, just to name a few. I always recommend that new parents focus on the basics. Are you sleeping - at least 4 hours uninterrupted? eating? feeling safe and loved? These basics are so crucial to supporting a healthy transition to parenthood. Each person's journey to parenthood is unique and deserves attention, care, support and an opportunity for reflection. A therapist can be a helpful part of that journey. The adjustment to parenthood is real and it is HARD at times, so please know you are not alone, you are not to blame, and with help you will be well.
Where can readers find therapists trained in PMH-C?
All PMH-C professionals must be approved by Postpartum Support International (PSI). An easy way to ensure you are working with a therapist qualified as a PMH-C is to utilize the PSI Directory: https://psidirectory.com/
